Inquiring minds want to know.
Him: “Why are you single Patty? Something ain’t right. A woman of your caliber should’ve been scooped up by now”.
Me: Without thinking twice at 33 years old. Thank you for the compliment. Everything is right with me that’s why I’m still single. You see through trial and error fought for my worth, confidence, morals, standards, and this pretty youthful thing won’t settle! Really GOD FOUGHT ME BACK TO HIM!!! (Fist pump for all the 30 and over single women! We still run this!!)
But the journey been real let me break it ALL the way down!!!
Wasn’t the girl who dreamed of a fairy tale wedding maybe because my parents divorced when I was in the eighth grade. My parents divorce was extremely traumatic for me because no longer jumped in my dad arms daily. Everyday would stop playing with my friends to sit on the steps until my dad came home from work to jump in his arms. Also, I witness the pain my mother went through from divorce that she didn’t know a child could notice. Although, my parents did the best they knew how after divorce family dynamics has never been the same. On top of that never witness happy, loving, and positive examples of marriage or relationships. Wasn’t until my last relationship realized had fear of commitment and it was easier for me to walk away from relationships than work through issues. Awareness is the first step to positive change if your willing to do the work.
“Divorce is worse than physical death” – Dr. Myles Monroe
Ironically, at 18 wanted to be a wife and mom of 4 with identical twin girls. But God had other plans. Let me examine three relationships that impacted me the most. Share my story from a place of love, no blame, bashing my exes, or playing victim. Genuinely loved each ex even if I’m not a part of their happily ever after want the best for them like want the best for myself. Everyone deserves a God ordained happy marriage.
First boo thing was a hard worker, smart, funny, and supportive. Our days were filled with happy times, good food, and good sex (keeping it all the way real) equaled to PREGNANT real quick. I decided to have a abortion yes abortion. I was young and naïve never crossed my mind could get pregnant. Hurt baby father tremendously because he was willing to be a single father. Just started college my focus was setting an example for my brother, nephews, and little cousins as first generational college grad. For years silently suffered from having an abortion. Cried myself to sleep, felt alone even in room full of people, and would have time of my life at clubs however immediately afterwards felt empty. Begged God for forgiveness promising I wouldn’t get pregnant while in college. Ran away from my baby father not wanting to get pregnant again to a woman who consoled me. God blocked the love connection swiftly before got too deep. One random night woke up crying uncontrollably as usual but this time felt something holding me although no one was physically there. God told me “I forgive you but you have to forgive yourself”. (TEARS) If you are considering an abortion please consult with your doctor and/or abortion 24/7 hotline at 1-800- 712- 4357 or prolife.com for prolife alternatives.
Next boo bear met in college. He was my homie, tall, fun, charming, outgoing, and funny. Was hesitant about dating because my focus was school but hard to resist a persistent man who is determined to get what he wants. He was a cheater and disrespectful at times. Since he cheated and I stayed developed trust issues which later realized led to insecurities that unfortunately men dated after him had to pay for.
Last boo love met after college finally was ready to give my all, settle down, get married, and have some babies. I really liked him for his wisdom, simplicity, respectfulness, caring, supportive, gentleman, and good heart. We had great dates, spontaneous adventures, vacations, and went to church. He respected my wishes to wait 90 days before having sex as well as STD testing. Goal was to get to know him without sex making irrational decisions. Shortly, after 90 day rule experienced a devastating MISCARRIAGE! (TEARS) He was there for me just knew he was “the one” got those “butterfly feelings” all over my body. The effort and love was mutual. We talked about marriage and were able to work through issues. I studied lasting love and broke my cycle of running away when things got tough. Was just one BIG problem while working so hard to make our love last and becoming a better girlfriend discovered along the journey what I truly need in a husband is spiritually equally yoked. Going to church wasn’t enough.
After miscarriage felt hopeless and afraid. So hopeless devil thought he could break me down. Remember taking a shower crying out loud inconsolable suicide thought of “YOU SHOULD JUST KILL YOURSELF”! I was shocked to even think such a thing because wasn’t in my DNA or personality but later realized devil tried to take me out at my lowest because he knew was about to experience breakthrough and purpose if held on just a little bit longer. Read purpose for pain blog post here. Also, inform your doctor if you need help coping with a miscarriage, read awesome information here as well as request bereavement free booklet called from hurt to healing. Miscarriage brought me flat on my face and knees to make one of biggest decisions of my life. God finally got my full attention to the point no longer was in control or doing things my way. Had to make major changes FAST like celibacy and living according to the word of God. No more just going to church and rest of week living however I want. I chose to change my life 180 rapidly, drastically, and unexpectedly. Wanted to develop a relationship with God, study the bible, prayer life, fasting, etc. Hoped my boyfriend would understand my decision and jump on board. As I changed not him was hard to relate anymore because changed what I watched, listened to, entertainment, celibacy, praying, and reading the word. Quickly moved out boyfriend’s apartment. Actually those who really know me knew never wanted to live with a guy before marriage or get pregnant. I have to shout out my Mom, friend L, and Grandfather D who help me get back on track with my values. They encouraged marriage, celibacy, and not living together until marriage.
Wanted to fight for relationship but remained hidden while God worked on my mess. I wanted to become a better person who healed from the past, forgives easily, and loves freely. Takes a strong person to pursue God even when some family and friends think you’re crazy for letting a good guy go to discover spiritual journey. Although, my intentions wasn’t to let him go three years later my reality turned out to be two good-hearted people who did the best they could at the time and equally loved each other but were going in two different directions. We suffered from losing a best friend and lover. He wanted to be friends but I decided not to because didn’t want to physically stay attached when my heart was still attached. But he supported my spiritual journey while I encouraged him to pursue his dreams. While I remained secluded included him in my prayers. Prayed he had personal encounter with God. Prayed he would see growing spiritually would benefit the relationship nothing like Gods love in midst of your union. Prayed he finds his purpose. Prayed he would be unashamed to live according to the word of God. Prayed he finds a wife who loves him wholeheartedly even if not me (that my friend is true love and strength of a woman). Well my prayers were answered. I’m still single. He’s married. Now, let me be real finding out the man you still love marries another woman even if you prayed for it is like a deep cut in your heart because hoped we would get back together. After my shock and hurt truly prayed God bless his marriage. Sometimes love is letting go. How many people know in the morning comes JOY!! I woke up to God telling me “this is your last stage of singleness”. Also, God promised me I would be a wife and mother. One day my dad took me out shopping saw family of 3(man, woman, and newborn baby) enjoying their outing got sad in my spirit but God quickly reassured me “don’t worry your time is coming its not over for you”.
Have complete confidence God will fulfill his promises. God never promised love wouldn’t hurt. God never promised I would marry any of my exs. And no matter what I still say God is so faithful. Still trust God. Even in pain, hurt, disappointment, and failed relationships God is STILL a good God! I put God first despite how much wanted to fight for my last relationship. Taught me submission. Chose God. Not me. Not him. But God. Choosing God was the best decision of my life! Relationships failed but love never fails (1 Corinthians 13:8). God is love! God taught me how to love including love keeps no record of wrongs. At times wanted to focus on my exs faults but we made mistakes. God wanted me to learn from our mistakes not point fingers so I could become better. Through this journey learned don’t have to pretend didn’t love my exs nor should I hide my hurt, grieve while healing, move on, pay attention to red flags when dating, stay open, hopeful, and love like you never been hurt.
Wanted to be Mary from the bible but became Mary J Blige singing strength of a woman, just fine, survivor, and indestructible. When was 14 years old my mom brought me a book called happy on a virgin’s island same age she became a teen mom. Had every intention on remaining a virgin until marriage but strong lust took over after high school forgot all about my values and morals. Thank God seed Mom planted can still harvest since rededicated my body to the Lord. Plus, saved the book to pass on to my future daughter/son to continue the tradition for generations.
For me growing spiritually started with celibacy. Thought purity was virginity and celibacy but learned purity is a lifestyle including change in the way you think, talk, live out your life, music you listen to, what you watch, people you call your friend, the way you dress basically honoring God with your life and body. I became addicted to becoming pure. The journey is not easy but worth it when you know God rewards obedience, sacrifice, discipline, selfless love, willing heart, and self-control. Ability to sustain from sex while single prepares you to be faithful when married. Happy and excited can stand at the altar with my hubby knowing we have honored God with our bodies and my mom effort was not wasted!!! I thank God for having his hand on my life through my mess (tears and praise break) because still can have love story always wanted even after bad decisions. I know and believe right man will honor and PRACTICE celibacy with me as well as live according to the word of God. Won’t have to force or demand future hubby to choose God. He will choose God on his own before we meet. We will be equally yoked. We will be generational changers and curse breakers. Every tear, pain, and sacrifice from the past will be laid on the altar to flourish as we ask God to bless our union. When I told God would commit to celibacy his response was “ what if you have to wait 10 years”. Initially didn’t respond because lets be honest wanted to have sex and wasn’t ready to stop having sex when I did but knew wanted the presence of God in my relationship can’t have that if not living according to the word of God. Three years later confidently say to God and the world without a doubt YES it’s worth waiting 10 years because God knows what’s best for me and his timing is PERFECT.
“Now for the matters you wrote about: “It is good for a man not to have sexual relations with a woman. But since sexual immorality is occurring each man should have sexual relations with his own wife, and each woman with her own husband”- 1 Corinthians 7:1-2 (NIV)
PERSONAL RELATIONSHIP WITH GOD
Last three years haven’t dated remained hidden in the Lord pursuing God figuring out who I was in Christ, unlearning traits not conducive to wife always wanted to be, learning traits that will align with wife want to become, and letting go how thought life would and should be. Thank God never been type to rebound date because if not careful will fall for same type of brokenness aka different person if you don’t change and heal. Because pursued God found my worth and discovered the anointing on my life. Have endured ridicule from people not knowing my full story even those who did mocked me not understanding what I’m working on. People think I’m crazy when talk about spiritual journey of prayer, fasting, lifestyle change, and personal relationship with God. I know God will reward my growth to not fight battles even when judged.
Realized marriage is deeper than husband and wife. Generations are on the line. I want to tell my kids mommy and daddy was celibate until marriage and it was worth it!! I want to show my kids what Christ centered marriage and life looks like, what true love looks like, what wholeness looks like, what healing looks like, what proper communication looks like, what family unity looks like, and what generational wealth looks like. While breaking curses of divorce, unhealthy marriages, divided spiritual home, anger, sibling rivalry, jealousy, premarital sex, adultery, and in order to do so had to surrender to God 110%(*this is where I insert use to run in my family and this is where it ends! Satan your time is up! NOT MY BLOODLINE!! GAME OVER!!
Through this journey my broken heart creases have filled up with joy, happiness, and contentment finding true love within and via God. Learned only God completes you. Once believed “you complete me” cliché. Honestly I’m happy and whole with God alone no human has made me feel complete and never will. We search for missing pieces of happiness in people and materialistic things but are never satisfied or let down because God is the only source of completion. God needed me to learn in my singleness no man, child, family, friends, career, money, house, car, materialistic stuff ever will. Nor am I defined by titles. I’m defined by who God called me to be a generational changer, leader, and motivational speaker. My ministry will help millions nationally and internationally. I needed to be single to learn who I AM through God with or without a husband. God chose me to fulfill purpose. I have fire within that burns with purpose to empower people. I’m more than a career woman. In the future will be more than wife and mother. I’m a leader willing to be the first to travel unknown paths that will be criticized, judged, called crazy, and misunderstood so those behind me and assigned to me never have to experience the pain or do it alone.
TRUE LOVE STARTS WITH SELF-LOVE
Learn to love yourself soooo much that you will know when you are being half loved or treated as an option instead of a priority or sure thing! Know your worthy to be loved wholly and authentically. Fall in love with yourself and share that love with someone who appreciates you rather than looking for love to compensate for a self-love deficit. I was watching my favorite show fix my life by Iyanla Vanzant. She stated something like “ You have to be whole, healthy, and healed before you love. In order to love at your fullest being not broken pieces”. Well thank God didn’t get married before now because crawled broken with traumatic love journey but now walking tall in self love!!!
DON’T BE AFRAID TO START OVER
So you love hard and deeply but your last relationship didn’t work out. You gave it your all but it’s okay hold your head high and chin up. The good thing is you have the opportunity to experience the relationship you always wanted. This time you are a better version with self-love, wholeness(mentally, emotionally, physically, spiritually, interpersonally, personally, intellectually, and financially), new boundaries and standards, godly foundation, and spiritual maturity. “You had to experience the break up for the break through”. “Your greatest heartbreak prepares you for your greatest love story”. “God will never let what you lost be the best you ever had”! The best is yet to come! “Your next relationship will be all you believed God for”. Your future husband will align with your purpose and help you stay focus. He won’t be confused about you! He will know you’re the one. He won’t hide you or have you waiting years to get married. You won’t have to settle for half his time or spending half days on holidays or day after because he will make you his top priority! He will be consistent with calling and texting you and spending time with you. He will want to grow with you especially spiritually.
ENJOY AND THRIVE IN SINGLENESS
I can honestly say now that past is conquered enjoy singleness! Singleness is a gift meant to be unwrapped. I live to enjoy each season of my life. I serve my community, teach the homeless, volunteer at church, mentor young girls, active in single’s ministry, travel the world, try new things, thriving in my career, walking in my purpose, and fulfilling my dreams. Haven’t waited for perfect love story or anyone to celebrate me. I celebrate myself, love on myself, date myself, and treat myself often. Not waiting for husband or kids to buy a house, visit romantic destinations like Paris, attend childlike fun activities, or do special things some women wait for husband like boudoir photography!! I did boudoir photography twice in my 20s and for my 31st birthday. My journey has been empowering especially when finally reached self-love on deeper level, loving my body, discovering who I am, and owning femininity!!!!! I traveled to Paris my dream vacation! The city of love!! Went to love lock bridge to dedicate my love lock to God! The greatest lover and friend of all time!! Most people dedicate their “love lock” to a spouse or friends. When hang lock on the bridge symbolizes lasting love even when you throw the key in the river the lock will remain forever.
PREPARE FOR MARRIAGE
Wife starts in singleness. Prepare to be a bomb wife with your foundation built on Christ. Your single season is a crucial time to develop and improve on areas such as prayer warrior, kind, gentle, humble, graceful, classy, physically fit, confident, fashionable, budget savvy, support others, and serve people. Be the modern day Ruth preparing for her Boaz. Don’t expect a godly spouse while living a sinful life. You attract the lifestyle you live. Practice honoring marriage vows with family and friends. I honored my vows in sickness and in health as Grandma V caretaker for better and for worse because way she act up sometimes and demanding role but till death do us part got her name tattooed on my back so you know its real!
Love is patient please don’t let desire for marriage rush you or marry for wrong reasons such as pressured by yourself, society, family, friends, for citizenship, revenge or rebound marriage, money/financial plan, don’t want to be alone, love without purpose & equally yoked, desire to have kids and your biological clock is ticking, almost certain age, have kids together, and we been together for years why not just make it official (longevity doesn’t mean meant to be your spouse).
Always pray God will guard my heart until time to awaken love. In the meantime wrote love letter to my future husband and kids to stay focus on my vision. Truthfully, although wanted to get married before now looking back wasn’t ready for marriage because had to work on myself to attract person I have become. Had plenty of practice of what not to do lol! “You bring to the marriage what you are single” including baggage from past and toxic behaviors. Issues from the past are increased in marriage so do the work now. When get married only baggage will have is luggage filled with lingerie for my honeymoon to my purity island. After reading Brelyn Bowman book “ No ring No ting” was inspired to write “list of my ideal husband and list of ideal wife I will become”. Wrote list of ideal husband trying not to be vain: seeks to live godly life, faithful, respectful, good at managing money, family man, provider, protector, likes to laugh and have fun, open minded, honest, caring, prayerful, celibate and proud of it (or virgin), compromise, communicates well, supportive, confident, and humble. I remember God laughing at me like “That’s it? You have no idea what I have in store for you”. After that my list filled five columns top to bottom with ideal husband (and I match this list wink wink). I know God will blow my mind with my future husband. Then God got my attention with 1 Corinthians 2 – 9 scripture: However as it is written: “What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived the things God has prepared for those who love him”.
Bonus: Highly recommend to all the single ladies in the place with style and grace to watch Dr. Myles Munroe the myth of singleness on YouTube.
CAN I ENCOURAGE YOU?
- Jesus came for the lost and sinners. I certainly was lost during singleness. Realized I’m like the prodigal son who lost his way. After high school was lost in the world trying to love the best way I knew how. God fought for me to get back to him. My prayer is for those who can relate to part of my story to be healed, whole, freed, and delivered. Trust God through the journey, enjoy the ride, and don’t get stuck on heartbreak evolve through it. Singleness is less about your relationship status but more about who you are in Christ with or without a man. Isaiah 43:18- 19 (NIV) “Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing”! Time to let go of past pain, set backs, disappointments, and mistakes! Your crying days are over!!!!! It’s healing time!!!!! Enjoy singleness!!!!!
- Love is tested. Faith is tested. For the sister struggling while single keep your faith if God put the desire in your heart it will happen on his time. You’re a rare jewel more precious than rubies nothing is wrong with you and you deserve true godly love. Deserve husband who will lead spiritually, who won’t leave you guessing, wants to pursue you, faithful King who doesn’t need multiple women to boast his ego one woman is enough. I will wait patiently for husband I deserve and hope you will do the same. Always say God saves the best for last. Matthew 19:27 -30 Peter answered him, “We have left everything to follow you! What then will there be for us?” Jesus said to them, “Truly I tell you, at the renewal of all things, when the Son of Man sits on his glorious throne, you who have followed me will also sit on twelve thrones, judging the twelve tribes of Israel. And everyone who has left houses or brothers or sisters or father or mother or wife or children or fields for my sake will receive a hundred times as much and will inherit eternal life. But many who are first will be last, and many who are last will be first.
So ladies next time someone ask you why are you still single let them know and break it ALL the way down:
Single but not lonely
Single but thriving
Single but having fun
Single but whole
Single but loved
Single but still CUTE
I’m not embracing singleness. I’m enjoying singleness.
Single and blessed. And will be blessed married especially because I waited for “the one” God has for me UNTIL THEN:
Single until the time is right.
Peace, Love, & Blessings!
XOXO Go Patty💋 😘
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