Whew chile here we go again at this point all my business is out there like a world therapy session. Please believe it’s not a soap opera, episode of love and hip hop, or Atlanta housewives this is my real life. I wrote this on Facebook 6/4/17 not knowing God would tell me to blog about it “forget reality tv and programs glorifying brokenness of families and community. That’s the devil scheme to normalizing dysfunction making it seem entertaining while ” real people” are hurting and broken. Addicted to Iyanla: fix my life. Learning, healing, and growing in the process. We have to forgive and empathize with our loved ones”. I’m on my Iyanla Vanzant fix my life vibes. Auntie if you need a cohost holla at your girl.
I was raised in a dysfunctional family but still loved if that makes sense. Not bashing family but in order to change dysfunctional patterns must start the discussion. I’m willing to do my part. My prayer is conversation will spark revelation, healing, positive change, and break generational curses so next generation will be better.
Having said that, a lot is on my mind….
DAMAGING EFFECTS OF DYSFUNCTIONAL FAMILY
When family is angry, temperamental, stubborn, broken, and poor communication that’s what you become and ultimately what breaks you or makes you. Dysfunction shows up in how you function in love and relationships with spouse, friends, coworkers, church members, and strangers. How you behave as an adult starts with how you were raised but good thing is if you willing to do the work don’t have to continue to live in a dysfunctional state of mind or behavior.
On a surface level I know my family love each other. We support each other when it matters most. Family has positive traits as well as dysfunction but on a deeper level we need deliverance. Unfortunately, we learn from family how people should treat us. If family doesn’t treat you right or teach you self-love allow people to treat you any kind of way. Realize family can’t give you what they are incapable of giving themselves especially if they are broken. The blessing is you can unlearn negative traits and build equally yoked healthy relationships. It is possible! Read blog post how to unlock your best relationships here (chile I earned this blog post lol)!
DISAPPOINTED BY ELDERS
Have you ever been so disappointed with your family especially elders who were suppose to be your role models but somehow you are teaching them. Children shouldn’t outgrow or be more mature than their elders. Children should learn from their elders and vice versa. Satan will use the matriarch and patriarch to cause unintentional division and bleed on bloodline because of their unhealed past wounds. I look around family refuse to face issues, drama, toxic, negative, draining, can’t forgive, or make amends. Lack of communication skills yelling, anger, silent treatment, talking over others, and lashing out. Now descendants behave the same way.
Family still mad and talking about issues (not to person who should hear it) from 5,10,15,20,25, 30, 35+ years ago (literally). I know this is not healthy, its crippling, no healing, bitter, and keeps person hostage and stuck in the past. God taught me to skip the middle man go directly to the person have issue with, talk about it, make amends, forgive, resolve issue, and move on aka stop talking about it. I realize some issues are harder to let go which had to unlearn but talking about same issue, over, over, and over drains you and hard to move forward. It’s easy to blame others but healing people are not victims so we must forgive and empathize with elders because they been through things we never had to experience. They beared pain we never had too. Not to make excuses but give grace at times it’s a struggle to like family.
“Do not rebuke an older man harshly, but exhort him as if he were your father. Treat younger men as brothers, older women as mothers, and younger women as sisters, with absolute purity” – 1 Timothy 5:1-2 (NIV)
BREAKDOWN BETWEEN MOTHER AND DAUGHTER
Although, not surprising when you read the bible several stories of “ a man’s enemies are the members of his own household”(Micah 7:6). Why is it some mother’s seem jealous of their own daughters? How can the baby you birth become your enemy? How can a daughter be so mad at her mother they don’t talk at all? Some mother’s have displaced anger towards daughters because of anger from deadbeat baby father, ex husband, and childhood. Same applies to father and son but since I’m a woman will focus on mother and daughter. Mother and daughter bond is priceless well when relationship is positive, healthy, and loving. All too often reality of mother and daughter relationships are toxic, unbearable to watch, and be a part of.
I use to argue with my mom but wouldn’t cuss. Once I learned drama was a choice had to stop toxic pattern. Now don’t get me wrong my mother loves me and I love her. Mom loves her kids, raised us with good parenting, we have a lot in common (family oriented, caring, and giving), fun times, mom is there when I need her and vice versa but we all know no one is perfect. It’s certainly generational likely cycle will repeat unless you’re willing to change the cycle. That’s me(Raising hand)! I WILL NOT CARRY THE BREAKDOWN OF MOTHER AND DAUGHTER TO MY DAUGHTERS!!
My mom is on the same page as me willing to work on better relationship but before we moved on we had to talk about hard topics that hurt. My mother had to accept/ listen to my feelings because her generation comes from generation where children no matter how old you are “don’t talk back” or speak your mind but I changed all that God made me bold with a voice that won’t be silenced. I couldn’t wait to turn 18 to really express myself (because I’m so grown lol yeah right). As I began to look at my past for inner healing had issues wasn’t going to pretend didn’t bother me. I started to get upset with my mom because whenever she calls 9 times out of 10 she always talks about my brother & his kids, sister & her kids, aunt & her kids & their kids never ask how I’m doing, how you feel, and what’s going on in my life. What helped me was understanding it’s generational and mother’s love and care for each child differently. Mom talks about people she spends most time with and helps like we all do. If I need help and care she would be there for me. Doesn’t mean she loves me less than other siblings or family members just feels and seems that way (that’s why we must be God led not emotionally led). When I told my mom my feelings she listened and tries her best to do better.
If you want a better relationship with your mom or daughter but other person isn’t ready pray for them. Allow God to mend it if not as my mom says God is a great equalizer he will send mother like figure or daughter in your life to love you.
“Can a mother forget the baby at her breast and have no compassion on the child she has borne? Though she may forget, I will not forget you! – Isaiah 49:15 (NIV)
Parent’s divorce was devastating because family was broken and how they handled each other. Sometimes parents can be bad examples of how to handle conflict because they don’t know better. Families on both sides are involved trying to protect each parent so they feud. Women and men express differently so mom confides in me like a friend for years not realizing mentally it’s too much to handle in ways she never talks to my sister and brother so I have to hear for decades mistakes my father made and his side of the family. On top of that grandma confides to me all her dislikes and mistakes granddad made for decades (overload is an understatement). While dad and granddad never say anything about mom or grandma but silence isn’t good either. It gets worse as dad doesn’t want to communicate with mom as we age guess who’s stuck as the middle person aka spokesperson to relay messages to their parents and on behalf of their siblings. You guessed it. ME! So not fair. I stopped playing middleman couple of years ago. Gosh had to figure all this out on my own with grace of God guiding me.
I’m happy to see nowadays parents put their personal feelings aside to raise kids in a mature, healthy, peaceful, proper communication, no nasty custody battles, and family counseling to co-parent because kids don’t suffer, made to feel have to choose which parent to love, or have traumatic experience need to heal from.
Apparently, I’m the favorite. But really what does that mean? The truth is I AM literally the only one on both sides of the family who has a relationship with everyone. Family is important to me. I’m intentional about spending time with all my family and seek to meet extended family members. I love my family. Love is action not just words. I show up for fun times and when family is sick. I’m supportive, selfless, share my resources, there when you need me, take family to doctor’s appointments, giving, help family in financial need, take care of elders, and will give you a ride. Only my inner circle family knows how much I have cried and been distraught about family dysfunction. All I ever wanted was one big jolly oh family where everyone gets along and comes together in peace. Saddens me certain family members don’t speak or have a relationship. I tried to bring family together for years but after years of trying God told me “ I can’t fix my family only He can mend it”. Family dysfunction is WAY bigger than me and started before I was born so I took my hands off it and let God. Literally felt weight lift off my shoulders.
RIVALRY ON TOP OF RIVALRY
“Born into chaos it shouldn’t be this hard to love family”- Michell brothers from Iyanla fix my life. What a crying shame. Generation after generation of mother and grandmother rivalry, brother’s sister and wife rivalry, cousin rivalry, siblings rivalry, sister and sister rivalry. I was traumatized at my high school graduation both sides of family don’t like each other they can’t hide it even through silence and cordial hellos ruin my day of celebration. I felt so torn like why can’t everyone just get along glad things are somewhat better. I was happy when my wish of everyone semi getting along at my 30th birthday party. Although, one sibling comes but other makes excuses not to come. I vocalize how I felt hurt. We move on as missing sibling makes an effort to do what I love travel and we have first siblings vacation.
Siblings rivalry starts when one sibling is doing everything for parents and other siblings gets away with selfish behavior, not coming around, not giving, not helping, or just phone calls.
God used me to break the mother and grandmother rivalry. I didn’t realize until Holy Spirit reminded me of night woke up crying felt something pushing me to my grandmother’s room. Grandma had no clue why I was crying standing in her room late night unable to speak just kept crying while she repeatedly asked me what’s wrong?? Holy Spirit instructed me to say what was on my mind. Barely able to speak told grandma it really hurts my feelings when I hear you talk about my mom. After that night grandma never talked badly about my mom to me or around me. Then, told my mom same thing it hurts when you talk badly about grandma to me and around me. Please stop I love you both. After that mom never talked badly about grandma to me or around me.
Next, brother’s sister and wife rivalry. Told brother how I felt prior to his wedding wanted to start with new beginnings. Brother suggested have lunch with soon to be wife. We said what we wanted, I apologized for any misunderstandings, after dinner we hugged, and I vowed to never be a part of rivalry and division.
If you’re parched go ahead and sip some tea because this is a lot of dry land. Sister and sister rivalry oh baby. I texted my mom after family dispute stating “mommy thank you for allowing me to express my feelings on your birthday don’t appreciate the way you been treated second to your sister, how I been treated, or my siblings had to say it to end it and move on. Love you everything I say including my blog is to inspire and motivate because I do care and God is using me”. My mom told me before I texted her God brought Rachel and Leah to her mind. It gets deeper. Nothing is by coincidence during my quiet time reading NIV study bible in the book of Leviticus Leah and Rachel was featured story. Didn’t know much about Rachel and Leah decided to read more. God brought to my attention I’m Joseph Rachel’s son. Leah was jealous of Rachel because Jacob wanted to marry Rachel but had to marry Leah due to their father request to wed first born before youngest. Rachel was jealous of Leah for having kids when she struggled to get pregnant but when she did have a son named Joseph the favorite by their father Jacob and God. Story is long (Genesis 37-50) but Joseph was sold into slavery by his jealous siblings. Joseph became king of Egypt. When land of Canaan became famished Joseph brothers traveled to Egypt where Joseph was king. He forgave them and shared everything he had. Everything happened the way it was suppose too. In Joseph words “you intended to harm me but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done, the saving of many lives. So then, don’t be afraid. I will provide for you and your children. And he reassured them and spoke kindly to them” (Genesis 50: 20-21). God gave Joseph success in everything he did because his heart was pure, wise, trustworthy, managed money well, forgiving, dreamer, and gave God all the credit. I told my mom the story, that God ordained me as the generational changer, how I plan to continue to rebuke, denounce, and cast out demonic curses in the family one by one, and would share on my blog. Mom replied two words love you (probably knowing she couldn’t stop me lol). I love you too mother love.
“Brother will betray brother to death, and a father his child. Children will rebel against their parents and have them put to death. Everyone will hate you because of me, but the one who stands firm to the end will be saved”. – Mark 13:12-13 (NIV)
THE PRESSURE OF THE ONE “WHO MADE IT”
No one talks about the pressure of the first generational college grad, first successful one, first whole and healed, or first one in anything. Fun facts my parents never went to college or told me to go to college but I wanted to so I did. Technically not the first college grad but had to figure out everything on my own with grace of God. When was about to graduate college found out my grandparents are college educated and couple of older cousins. When my brother started college after me he didn’t have to struggle like I did. Showed him the ropes everything I learned shared saved him time and money. The struggle was real monday through friday for first college degree rode bus 4 hours a day total of 24 hours weekly to get to college campus. College education was funded by working, grants, scholarships, and one student loan for 2K(you read that right wink) for total of seven years in college. When realized my college peers knew how to type and I didn’t took typing class to keep up with college demand. Lord knows he sent help in the strangest places because counselor helped me with my English papers and foreigner told me about book grant. I was broke choosing between treating myself to $20 shirt or $20 meal. For years when didn’t drive walked blocks to wash my clothes. Signed up to take driver license with no vehicle. Had couple of hours to find someone finally found a stranger in the market to borrow his car. Paid him to take my driver’s license test.
Furthermore, no one taught me how to budget, not to live in fear, use purpose for pain, develop true self love and confidence, wholeness, personal relationship with God, how to set boundaries, self care, healthy living, establish great credit, proper communication, and healing the list goes on but I decided who I wanted to become. I was raised in family dynamic that one side of the family caters to the ones who has kids while childless one has to figure life out on their own. Then as figure life out and doing well then you become target for attacks and jealousy. Struggle during the journey yet family forgot we all were raised in the same environment, same family, unaware of the process, and sacrifices it takes to be successful. It makes no sense family jealous of their own blood who was and always willing to help them succeed. I worked my butt off for EVERYTHING. Thank God for squats and hip thrusts gained my butt back lol. How about once you “make it” family think especially when you don’t have kids assume you have endless money and free time. Creating healthy boundaries are important click here to read blog helping people with boundaries.
Analyze family see which ones are genuinely happy for you, get mad, try to silence you when talk about your achievements or goals, or just mad when you’re happy. Some family members want you to suppress who you are because moment you talk about yourself not to brag or boast you get the eye roll, sucking their teeth, talk about you, mad looks, change the topic, huff and puff because for family who haven’t achieved or evolved you are bragging but when you got it or it’s just you not bragging. You don’t have to shrink to make family comfortable or not be jealous of you. Be who God created you to be. Enjoy the benefits of your hard work. Don’t have to make family feel bad for being them nor should family make you feel bad for being you. Stop telling them your achievements and goals. Find your inner circle who will celebrate you and encourage you to pursue your dreams because you deserve the same love and support you give don’t ever settle. Might not be your blood family but God tells us our family is whoever does God’s will (Mark 3: 31-35).
“Although you have been forsaken and hated, with no one traveling through, I will make you the everlasting pride and the joy of all generations. You will drink the milk of nations and be nursed at royal breasts. Then you will know that I, the Lord, am your Savior, your Redeemer, the Mighty One of Jacob” – Isaiah 60:15-16 (NIV)
Black sheep is usually the most successful one out of the family, different one, odd one, or “troublemaker” in the family. One who made it suffers like black sheep who doesn’t fit in with the rest of the family but Jesus came for the 1 and left the 99. He gave the one favor who didn’t gain favor from family. Honestly, never met black sheep who wasn’t winning that’s why they get picked on even at young age family notice diamond in the rough. Diamonds are made out of pressure. I’m the black sheep when I speak up and defend my family. Like I don’t think mothers should pay for other people dinner on their birthday and mothers day. No, I am no longer being an enabler. Yes, I will speak up when I see you going down the wrong path because I believe true love speaks up even if crucified by the ones your trying to help. No, I am no longer listening to same conversations for years lets discuss a solution better yet talk to person not me.
HEALING FROM FAMILY HURT
How is it the selfless one who cares if the family gets along is sometimes treated badly? The one who cares about family health and wellness is treated badly? The one always there when no one else is treated badly? It’s going to take maturity to not take it personal. Maybe you can’t relate to my dysfunctional family story. Hopefully you can identify your own family dysfunction to heal and work towards healthier dynamics. Pastor Skip Heitzig said it best “takes spiritual growth to see God not the dysfunction. All families are dysfunctional due to sin. Flawed. Broken. BUT God can function in dysfunction”. I’m healed, whole, and free from dysfunctional family. No longer feel sad around family. When hang around some family feels like war while other family feels like peace. Spend more time with family feels like peace. Life is too short to hang with family or anyone who wants to live in constant drama, past, and negative energy. Protect your energy because I have changed for the best doesn’t mean family has despite efforts to make amends and live in peace. Some family need more time to heal or just not interested. Both are okay. Being raised in a dysfunctional family has prepared me to handle life. I feel like a warrior who can handle anything thrown my way as long as I have God on my side. You can talk about me or call me the worse name probably will laugh at you, unbothered, not easily offended, or when I say my piece we won’t have anymore problems. Having dysfunctional family taught me to be careful who I allow in my personal space, who I marry will make or break me, who have kids with will make or break me, don’t need bunch of support just need couple of quality people in my corner, love people as they are not who you want them to be, and everyone don’t mean you well.
Continue to love, care, and give with boundaries. I’m not damaged or bitter. I’m still positive, smiley face, joyful, and grateful spirit. God wants people to know the story behind my smile and joy because family and the world didn’t give it to me. Don’t depend on family to make you happy. Happiness comes via God and within self. Thank God for protection were raised by who you were suppose too. Only God knows how different your life would be if things were always the way you wanted them to be including wanting to be raised or closer to absent or part time parent, grandparent, aunt, uncle, and/or cousins. Also, understand God is pleased with family helping those who need the most help but don’t suppress your feelings talk about it, release it, forgive, and move forward. You will go through the fire. Gold is refined in the fire. You will be misunderstood press on anyways. You will sit on the throne for every good deed you initiated with the help of God. If you need family or individual counseling do it. Choose to love yourself enough not to continue to be emotionally, mentally, or physically abused by family. Mingle with people who love you, cherish you, and support you. Most importantly forgive. I understand it’s hard to forgive but it’s more about keeping your heart pure and free from bitterness. Love is forgiveness. God is love. I have grown to understand family means to forgive, accept people as they are, and empathize. I love spending quality time with family that according to the world should be mad at or not forgive because had the opportunity to learn family history to understand why they behave the way they do. Remember hurt people hurt people. Elders love and take care of you the best way they can but that doesn’t mean if family is not willing to resolve deep-rooted issues you have to continue to tolerate abuse or live in stagnation pray for them and love from a distance. Work on you by unlearning negative traits inherited from generational curses.
“Therefore, since through God’s mercy we have this ministry, we do not lose heart. Rather, we have renounced secret and shameful ways; we do not use deception, nor do we distort the word of God. On the contrary, by setting forth the truth plainly we commend ourselves to everyone’s conscience in the sight of God”. – 2 Corinthians 4:1-2 (NIV)
God tested my heart all these years. I passed the test. I’m the generational changer one who brings about positive change, empathy, love, forgiveness, wholeness, healing, grace, breaking curses, nurturer, unity, and peace because of God’s favor. I won’t have a dysfunctional family in my household. What I know for sure my husband, children, and grandchildren deserve and will get highest version of me not a broken me from dysfunctional family. If you ask me if I’m mad answer is yes. Remember whatever makes you mad is your ministry. I’m going to do something about it because my kids and grandkids won’t feel pain or suffer like I have endured and that’s a fact not a promise. God whispered in my ear while sharing bonding moment with nephew at vacation bible school “your kids won’t suffer”. Hallelujah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Another answered prayer!!!!!!!. That’s why I go so hard to preserve my golden heart and love more. Being raised in dysfunction and drama you think that’s the only way to life but we can choose. I choose to pursue peace and harmony. It’s a grand feeling anything disrupting my peace will be destroyed. Most times when I speak up because I care usually ends with a headache but I do see change from youngest to the oldest. That’s why I aim for purpose not popularity. I’ll continue to set the example whoever wants to come will come. Want to encourage you to never settle for dysfunctional family may take years to see the fruit of your effort. Family is watching even if they fighting you word for word, mocking you, and calling you names. They are watching how you forgive, how you show up when no one else does, how you continue to smile, how you continue to give and do for others when you’re not receiving from family, if you truly practice what you preach, and profess Jesus as Lord. Happy to let you know if you’re raised in dysfunctional family only takes one person to change the pattern by doing the work. It’s a lot but with God it’s possible. I’m a living witness God has my back as the generational changer. I almost gave up on family this year after years of negative experiences with immediate family but to my surprise everything thought family should be was right in my face as answered prayer with extended family. God’s way of saying daughter hold on change is coming. You’re fighting the right battle don’t give up keep speaking up for what’s right. GOD exposed me to what I been told by my elders is not possible or normal. Where you can freely express your feelings without conflict, family gatherings without ending in conflict, family functioning as a unit, cooking together, laughs, smiles, and dancing instead of drama, sarcastic jokes, ugly stare downs, and any moment argument will happen.
For my generational changers know you are not alone! God has our back. If not, you then who? Let’s do this our healthy bloodline depends on it. Assignment is heavy but God makes our burdens light (Matthew 11:28-30 NIV) will have some sleepless nights, face adversity, criticism, won’t always “feel” good, and sometimes will “feel” lonely. Because the devil is mad you’re breaking curses. Was told might be resented for speaking up but guess what I said: SPREAD THE MESSAGE ALL I NEED IS JESUS! Really though trying not to “shame the family” by keeping quiet is not the solution. You have family members who molested other family members and everyone “keeps quiet” to protect the family name. That’s not happening in my world we speak up for healing and to help other people. Keeping quiet to keep the “peace” only destroys you year after year while trying to be “loyal to family”. Plus, I can’t name one great leader that didn’t face criticism or misunderstanding. I will win because have heart of God. All I need is God fighting for me. I’ll do as he says and speak when he tells me to speak.
God will turn generational curses into generational blessings because one person said enough is enough. I can withstand ANYTHING because ain’t no devil in hell stand a chance destroying what God called me to do. I laugh without fear of the future (Proverbs 31:25 NLT). No weapon formed against Queen Joseph shall prosper (Isaiah 54:17 NKJV) because she wears armor of God. The helmet of salvation, breastplate of righteousness, shield of faith, belt of truth, sword of the spirit, and feet fitted with the gospel of peace (Ephesians 6:10-18 NIV). Like my coworker says if you can love your family you have a special place in heaven. God gave us family for a reason. I still love my family would never give up on them but some things have to change. I WANT MY FAMILY FREE!!! DON’T MESS WITH A GENERATIONAL CHANGER!! PRAYER, PRAISE, FASTING, AND ANOINTING OIL ARE MY WEAPONS!! I WON’T BACK DOWN!! IT IS FINISHED (John 19:30 NIV)!!! GENERATIONAL CURSES ARE BROKEN IN JESUS NAME! WE ARE WALKING INTO GENERATIONAL BLESSINGS!!
Who’s in?? Comment below I’m a generational changer!!
HOPE YOU ARE ENCOURAGED!
Peace, Love, & Blessings!
XOXO Go Patty💋 😘
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