HELPING PEOPLE WITH BOUNDARIES

Are you the person who takes care of everyone? The responsible one? The dependable one? Peacemaker? Think of others before think of yourself? Strong one? And lately you feel tired? Drained? Stressed? Do you find yourself angry, exhausted, resentful, and frustrated from giving and helping people? Have you stop helping and giving? If so, this one is for you. This may be a sign you don’t have boundaries with helping people and are neglecting self-care.

Don’t stop helping people. Your giving heart is why you are blessed, favored, head and not the tail, lender and not the borrower.

“The happiest people are the givers, not the takers”.  God gifted you with a big heart and helpful spirit to be the light of the world. Please continue to shine bright! With boundaries of course!!!

BURNOUT

Helping is honorable in God’s eyes. We should help with boundaries or else will experience burnout, stop helping others, or become bitter. Confessions of a giver.  I want to help the world! Literally! My Grandma V calls me Mother Teresa. Helping others makes me happy. Seeing people I help happy and win makes me happier. I could never stop! God created me to be a server, supportive, and helpmate. However, decades of helping without boundaries left me feeling overwhelmed and weight of the world on my shoulders with little or no desire to help others. I felt mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically drained. Constant busyness became unproductive, not looking or feeling my best, and cheerless helper. I was always on the go, cranky, and over it! Was my once gift becoming a curse? Absolutely not! God had me right where I was supposed to be EXHAUSTED! I had to stop helping everyone with an empty cup, neglecting priorities, and self-care. What good was I burned-out? Who could I help drained? Can’t give 100% when your cup is half full.

CAN’T BE EVERYTHING TO EVERYONE

Have you ever thought to yourself  “I’ll do it cause nobody else will do it” taking on the responsibility because felt its your duty likely overcompensating. I did that a lot trying to make up for absent people giving extra love and support.  Then one day God made it clear only he can mend brokenness. At that moment literally felt weight of carrying so many people lifted off my shoulders! My life changed forever when accepted only can do my part, give my love, and support. You can’t replace or make up for people who are missing or not present trying to do or play their role. Learned praying is better than playing superhero because can’t do it all. Allowed people to step up, take accountability for their own life, and function as a team. I will do anything to help people evolve but decided want others to help themselves first. God didn’t call us to be the savior of the world. Only God can do that! At times care for people more than care for themselves causing a lot of stress. Trying to rescue, save people, take on their problems, and solve problems. Guess what happen after years of doing this? Anger builds up causing you to lash out.

Pray for discernment about who God wants you to help. Everyone is not your assignment or suppose to help including family. God will tell you who to help and who to let go. When we help people not assigned to us we interfere with lessons they need to grow.

“ Some people can’t experience their breakthrough because you keep coming to their rescue before they can even get there”.

STOP BEING AN ENABLER

Questioned my approach to helping people. Was I an enabler? Merriam – Webster defines enabler as “ one who enables another to persist in self – destructive behavior by providing excuses or by making it possible to avoid the consequences of such behavior”. I had to accept the facts. I was an enabler because time after time and year after year same issues with people didn’t get better or change but continued to support them. Enablers unconsciously can overlook, compensate for, minimize behavior, defend actions, and make excuses for them.

Good intentions gone wrong for sure.

The hope was to help to evolve not remain the same.

Enabling doesn’t allow people to recognize their problem. Instead keep doing the same things, expect you to keep saving them, not experience consequences for their actions, makes it convenient for them to be irresponsible, and even feel entitled or get upset when you say no 1 time out of 1,000 times. Change can be hard because you want the best for people but 9 times out of 10 things hasn’t changed in a positive way.  Initially, its heartbreaking to watch someone you love destroy their life, struggle, and hit rock bottom especially when you have the tools to help. But what if you’re stopping the person from “growing up”? People will get comfortable when others continue to save them. What helps me draw a fine line between helping and enabling is thinking about my rock bottom. My mistakes were valuable lessons. I chose to do better.

Sadly, enabling is unhealthy can overtime lead to dysfunction, codependency, brokenness, resentment, and destruction of everyone involved. Stop to save relationships, maintain loving relationships, and build healthy boundaries. Let people know their behavior is unacceptable.

Bishop T D Jakes stated “ No matter how strong you are, can’t carry someone forever . You can only carry a person for so long until you break or become upset”.

Know you can stop the pattern of enabling. Allow people to make mistakes, pray for them, and be there for them in time of need with discernment.

FINANCIAL BURDEN

Honestly, we won’t reach highest potential helping everybody financially. Minorities and low-income people struggle to get ahead due to financial burden of carrying many people on one income.

Okay, here’s a realistic scenario. You are the first generation college grad or moneymaker. You come from a low-income family. You are planning out your dreams then BOOM unexpected emergency happens. Because you are the breadwinner everyone depends on you leading to financial burden. When you should be building savings, investments, buying a house, or whatever you aspire to achieve is put on hold or takes longer. Parents and grandparents pass away not leaving an inheritance let alone life insurance guess who’s stuck paying for funeral expenses instead of buying assets. Parents and grandparents haven’t planned or saved for retirement guess who’s stuck providing financial help as they age? Do you see where I’m going with this?

What’s the solution?……

Create a help/giving budget once funds are gone that’s it until next month. You can help in other ways to break the cycle of poverty and codependency. You can find resources or create a plan instead of always giving financially causing further irresponsibility and financial strain. I will help you look for a better job, apply for college, sign up for trade school, teach budget tips, and/or turn your talent into a business. There must be a shift as a family to carry your own weight, build financial legacy, inheritance, and bring something to the table to build together.

Moneymaker ministry will not continue to help financially due to poor money management. It’s not about how much money you make! It’s about how well you manage your money!

SET BOUNDARIES

Setting boundaries doesn’t mean you are mean, selfish, or uncaring. Means you care about yourself too. Can still be full of love and set boundaries. Setting boundaries also means sometimes you will disappoint others. Setting boundaries isn’t easy in the beginning when functioning without boundaries for years. To me boundaries reflect loving yourself on a deeper level. Some won’t like your boundaries because they can’t use you or manipulate anymore. “The only people who get upset when you set boundaries are those who benefited from you having none”. Some may resist your boundaries. Be okay if people stop talking to you because of new boundaries.

Boundaries allow you to be productive, less stressed, prioritize, and use your time wisely. If don’t have boundaries harder to evolve to the next level.

Boundaries teach people how to treat you. Teach people what is acceptable. Kindly tell people your boundaries no matter how uncomfortable conversation may be. Be clear about what you expect, be honest, what you will tolerate, will or will not stand for, and follow through with what you say. People don’t know our needs and wants until we tell them. Can’t get mad at people who don’t respect your boundaries if you’re not clear about boundaries.

Who was I to blame but myself for not setting boundaries because I wanted to help everyone!! And I mean everyone lol!! How can I do that and take care of myself? I can’t! When finally established boundaries was perceived well and respected. Boundaries has allowed me to focus on purpose, business, self-care, evolve into this person absolutely love, do more, give more, help more, and do it all with love.

“Givers have to set limits because takers rarely do”. – Irma Kurtz

LEARN TO SAY NO

When you’re empathetic it’s hard to say no to people. By learning to say no allows people to figure out solutions to their own problems. Sometimes when you say no or make changes you become the bad person. But “Saying no means you know your limits”. Make sure your no is firm and stick to it.  People who respect your boundaries will respect your NO. Learn to say no without feeling guilty.

SELF CARE

People who take care of everyone usually neglect self-care. To pour into people need to practice self-care. Do things you like to do, eat healthy, exercise, relax, sleep, and pamper yourself. Don’t forget about your own needs, wants, and happiness. Remember home is your first ministry. Make sure home is taking care of before help the world.

 

“God is not unjust; he will not forget your work and the love you have shown him as you have helped his people and continue to help them” – Hebrews 6: 10 (NIV)

HOPE YOU ARE ENCOURAGED!

Peace, Love, & Blessings!

XOXO Go Patty💋 😘

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